Tuesday, May 3, 2016

me blaming? no dear. it's life sorting

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahiim...

The story i want to tell today, is one of the frequent thing that comes to my head everytime i wake up and at the moment before i go to bed. It's about "D", yeah you may call it that way but i'm sure you understand it right away. I just want to tell you, my blog, that this is not about grudge, revenge, or greed. It's about telling you the truth, keeping my memory clear for 10 years to come, washing away my stress, and trying to figure out what should i do now. i might sound like a coward complaining about life, it does not matter, this blog is completely mine.

You know, bloggy. I've never told you briefly about this thing D did to me or what i did to D all these years. It's kinda something that i dont want to talk to you about, it's just so energy-consuming. Many times i want to talk it out, it just never happened. Well, sometimes because i think i better figure it out quickly and by myself, no need to tell anyone. By anyone i mean you, not my husband he is a good listener.

So yeah, this D thing was and still is my dream come true. i've dreamed about owning this D when i was still in high school. I thought it was the best thing i could have and the coolest thing to do for the rest of my life. Not just because i love to eat (now you know it has something to do with food), it's also a nice way to do business and hobby at the same time. But the fact is, after my friends and i accomplished on making it come to life, things were not as easy as i thought. Problems came like a storm, they didn't line up, they come together as a ball. Fortunately we solved it one by one, with only our small power, little money, tiny knowledge and experience. Those time were like one of the best yet one of the worse time in my life - worse reffering to the pressure of course.

You know what, at that time before we began any of our moves, some people have warned me about the business, the team work, and the risks. It was just too heavy to take at that time, but it was also too big to reject. So i decided to let the thoughts go away for a while. Well actually we ended up protecting ourselves with legals and all that stuff necessary. But still, my heart bears so much burden. As if i know something bad was about to happen.

Well i mean we could almost handle every problem we had, it was not that hard. But one thing i felt was like a ticking bomb, it's our team work. It started good, everyone handled their own tasks  without making a fuss. As nearly a year, i felt like someone is missing out the work load. It obvious when everybody handled too much things, but someone handled nothing. So we evened out the load and it seemed pretty well. I dont want to brag but at that time things moved so quickly, one problem solved after another and good response from the customer gave us strenght. But i said that was just the beginning, nothing will ever go up constantly without innovation, means we should keep fighting and try harder, no need to rest.

But you know what, the one who supposed to think and work the hardest, the one who was supposed to wake up before everyone is awaken, and sleep after everyone is asleep, he was nowhere to find. Only presented when asked, only did his task when assigned. No thinking, no working, no trying, no struggling, no nothing. Not suprised one of us walked away under this called regime. I wanted to go also if it's not for the responsibilities. We know things will not go always smooth, it takes a huge effort to maintain a stability that we almost fainted to get. Nothing comes free in this world.

Am i wrong if i ask him to work and do his own task? i mean he is all theory. he says everything business. But in my ears, it's all bullsh*t, i couldn't bear hearing it. Just to say it easy, he always brags about "his" accomplishment and seems to be so proud of it while actually, in my small eyes, it was none of his work. None. Except for the scrubby little things. Ok you will judge me saying all i do is just blaming someonle else for the bad things that happened. No dear, i kept it in my head for over 3 years and i did my job, my husband did his job, our ex-co-worker's job and also this guy's job. What a wonderful employee my husband.

Until this january, i couldn't stand seeing the business kept falling and nothing good came in. I just couldn't bear the fact that someone is getting a free ride on this business we worked so hard on. I don't care about the publicity or what everyone thinks of me regarding this business. But i will never let anyone using and destroying D for his own fun. D is like my child.

We came to a decision. If he was gonna change for a better worker, then it's the best solution. But if he's not, then it's going to be him or ME to step away from D. D can't contain 2 opposite visions in one body. It's too much for D.

So that's it. 3 months past and nothing changed. It's decision time. He did nothing, my husband and i did everything, so you gotta see a point by now. I waited for the statement, none. So i make one. I said maybe it's best for me to let things go now. I thought perhaps i better just learn how to be a good wife and mother instead. I let go things easily. No burder. It's such a pleasure. Although deep down i can't keep my heart away from D, but it's for the good. No one knows what i will do for now except God. I have so much plans in my head i have to sort it out and take time. I feel pity for my husband, he is a nice man and a clever professional partner. He never complains, not like me. I hope something good will come to my husband now, he already bears so much burden on his shoulders.

Note: this is one of the "sad" experience in working in team, especially to have your husband as one of your co-worker. But i'll post some of the "wonderful" experience next time.